Diablo IV reviews are just a shamelessly sycophantic as I expected

I was expecting games media site reviewers to grade Blizzard's latest release on a serious curve, and I was not disappointed. 

Some high low-lights:

Windows Central: 100

"Simply put, Diablo 4 may be Blizzard's best-ever game, and that's a really tough legacy to live up to. Immaculate storytelling meets stunning art, polished, bug-free gameplay, atop endlessly customizable combat with the promise of dozens, maybe hundreds of hours of content — Diablo 4 might be Blizzard's most important, pivotal game since World of Warcraft"

The Enemy: 100

"Diablo IV is an action RPG game that aims to redeem Blizzard's reputation - and nails it. [...] Diablo IV retrieves the magical essence of the series and delivers an immersive experience from start to finish, showcasing Blizzard's care in crafting a satisfying and exciting tale."

On one level, I was expecting this. So many die-hard Blizzard fanboys work for these sites, and they have clearly been desperate for some way to proclaim that the Blizzard of 15 years ago are Back, Baby! even though that's clearly not the case. They desperately want it to be true, though, and were clearly signalling that D4 would be proclaimed a game of the year contender, or the best ARPG ever, or Blizzard's best game ever, or maybe just all of those, for months.

On another level, though, I'm still disappointed. Seriously, guys, are you planning to plant your tongues all the way up Bobby Kotick's GI tract? Have some self-respect, for fuck's sake.

After a while, though, things do settle down a little bit.

MGG: 85

"The majority of players should find what they're looking for, with varied classes, a satisfying campaign, and top-level content worthy of the name while waiting for the seasons. [...] A few details may disturb, such as the online mode, or the announced monetization, but this is probably the price to pay for a good game that should continue to enrich and refine itself over the years, if you're prepared to be patient."

Guys, guys... Never, ever, buy anything based on the promise that missing features might be added with a future software update. If the missing offline mode (never coming), the free-to-play monetization in a USD $70 release (definitely coming), or the sparse, boring content (definitely what's in the box) are deal-breakers, then don't buy this game.

A few people are seeing more eye-to-eye with me, though.

LevelUp:    70

"Diablo IV remained [sic] stuck in the past while trying to find innovation without generating friction with fans who have played the franchise for over two decades; It feels like the ghost of Diablo Immortal continues to haunt the halls of Blizzard. The game is more of a reinvention of the classic experience, focusing on a games-as-a-service format to ensure another decade of content for Diablo."

Gamer.no:   70

"It's not revolutionary by any means, but what's there is solid, well thought out and works well."

Some of the more thoughtful reviews so far haven't  assigned numeric ratings yet.

PC Gamer:    Review in progress

"An exciting, modern version of Diablo is in here—I can see parts of it poking through the surface—but I'm starting to lose patience waiting for it to show its face."

My favorite review so far, though, has to be Polygon's number-free review, which you can read here. Words like "drudgery," "gachafest," and "busywork" jumped out at me.

Some favorite bits:

"This is also the first open-world Diablo game, and to that end, “civilized” Sanctuary is much more than the fixed hub it was in previous games. [...] There are backwater towns caught up in their own drama, and parallel mythologies to the Eternal Conflict that soften the rigidity of Sanctuary’s historically binary lore. There are in-jokes and pop culture references (most noticeably to Game of Thrones, which is understandable, given the overwhelming influence it’s had on medieval-style fiction over the last decade). [...] But in stretching the intimate, deliberate claustrophobia of Diablo’s original one-town scope to fit a whole world, it’s lost that taut sense of terror that so beautifully defined the series’ smaller and more vulnerable spaces."

"The procedurally generated dungeons don’t vary much in layout and feel like missed opportunities to have fun with randomized architecture — and no, adding more dungeon to a dungeon doesn’t necessarily make it better or more interesting. Capstone dungeons — multi-stage trials that function as gear/level checks between difficulty tiers — feel like a non-solution from a sadistic bureaucracy instead of an invitation to get rich or die trying."

"Certain quest items will pop out of your inventory onto the ground if you leave the quest area (not great for a series where users can infamously disconnect at the worst times). The long arm of the law has finally come for town portals — the portal will now close as soon as you leave town, so you can’t experiment or “bookmark” a location for later. It feels a little sour in the context of an open-world MMO where player creativity should, theoretically, be encouraged."

For the record, I'm not expecting any negative reviews; not because of an overly-friendly attitude towards Blizzard from reviewers, but rather because the game isn't actually bad. Even I was rating the game at 7 out of 10, and an average metascore is 75; for D4 to end up with a metascore in the mid-80's was expected.

If this game ends up nomination for GOTY at the next Video Game Awards, though, there will be much wailing and gnashing of teeth from your boy, here. Just saying.